Being Honest

I had an incredibly interesting conversation with someone recently.
And it got me thinking.

It started all because they asked me the question - what is the biggest challenge you face living here Uganda - on a personal level?

I didn't have to think too long cause the answer for me was a simple one - one I thought a friend would actually know.... I said, " its the same as my greatest challenge in Australia, my heath. It just is extra challenging here because of our lifestyle I think".

Now this person that has known me for some time responded with, "your health"?
What about your health?

I actually thought they were joking..... and I said, " you know just the daily challenges my condition brings. "
Again they gave me a bit of a blank stare.

And then they said, " actually no I don't really know, cause you don't talk about it. I was vaguely aware that you have challenges with your health, but you've never told me about it, you never talk about it..... so how could I know? "

I proceeded to explain why I don't talk about my health challenges that much.
Explaining that after a lifetime of talking about it, it gets tiring, and honestly most of my friends would hate it if i did actually talk about how much pain I'm in etc all the time.
Because what can they say in response.
And for me, if i talk about it all the time it feels like I'm dwelling on it.

And then if I'm honest, there is the voice of a long ago friend who actually said to me, ( while I was in plaster and on crutches after another major surgery) .... that they thought I didn't really have any "condition"...... when I said, "well how do I get the doctors to operate and remove growths from my body?" ...... Her response..... "well maybe you don't make it up, but I think you exaggerate it.... because I don't understand it."

I remember at the time being hurt, just so hurt, by a friend who I thought the sun shone out of, and even then, I very rarely talked or complained about my health struggles, but with her I'd felt I could be honest..... and now her reaction broke my heart.....

Because she didn't understand it..... I must be exaggerating it?? I could not fathom that statement.... since I didn't understand it.... my doctors don't understand it?
My condition was a random mutation of cells in the womb...... it can affect people in totally different ways.... some have big challenges... some have it and never have any problems.... it only occurs in around 5 million births...
Just because you don't understand something doesn't mean it doesn't exist.
I'm sure that person didn't mean for their words to sink so deep within my heart that I would still hear them today.....
That even today I struggle to tell my darling husband the truth of how much pain I'm in, or how my body is really feeling, for fear that he will think I'm using it as an excuse or exaggerating it... ( which I know is ridiculous)

Words have power - don't they....

But this very wise friend then reminded me, that its ok to show our weaknesses sometimes.... and she also reminded me , that by still allowing those words spoken so long ago to affect me today, is allowing that person's negativity to continue to affect me.
And its "stolen from you the ability to be able to be REAL with those closest to you"

Those words hit me deep, stolen from me the ability to be REAL with those closest to me. . . I had never thought that by keeping my health challenges always to myself, I was actually not living my truth, and not being an honest friend.

Not that I need to go and share it with every person, but God tells us that we are to share and bear each others burdens.... I know I get frustrated when my friends don't share their struggles.... because I WANT TO BE THERE for them.... I had never put that in reverse though.

I had never thought that when I am real with my friends or those closest to me.... I give them permission to be real with me.

My friend then asked me to share all about my health with her, which I proceeded to do, when done she said, " thats an incredible testimony of trusting in God, and the joy of the Lord being your strength, but you know I would never have known what an incredible journey you have been on and your reliance and trust on God, if you hadn't shared with me your journey".

What a challenge.... if we don't share with others our burdens and challenges, how then can they fully understand how God gets us through......

So I am determined to be more real, so that others can feel they can be real with me.... Realizing that when we are real, or when people are real with us, we are better able to pray for people.
And to be reminded that words have power.... think before we speak....
And no longer will I allow those words spoken, to stop me from being honest with those I love.


P.S I'm sure some people will read this and wonder what my personal health challenges are, or how they affect my day to day life... especially here.... so if you don't know but would like to, especially so you know how to pray for us then email me and I'll share with you.