I remember experiencing it after my first trip to Africa as an 18 year old - more so when I came home then while in Africa. And I have seen others experience it when they've come to Uganda or gone home and tried to re-adjust. But for me it hasn't been too hard going back and forth, so I completely underestimated what it would be like for my children - or even for me now watching the changes through their eyes.
Its really hard to explain what culture shock is like even from one adult to another, if you've never experienced it - but its even harder to try and explain to someone what culture shock is like for a child.
I am super thankful for a recent friend - who experienced this with her children who was able to help me process my thoughts and for my Dr who just happens to be South African. She raised her children in both places at certain times and was able to reassure me that what we've been experiencing it perfectly normal and natural, and while super hard now - one day our kids will thank us for the amazing life of having two cultures.
She also assured me that I should forget what anyone else says or stop caring about what others may think about my kids behavior - because others will never understand unless they've actually walked in your shoes.
The difference in our boys here has been..... NIGHT AND DAY! The way our boys have behaved since coming - is behavior I have pretty much NEVER seen in them before.
My normally co-operative, socially happy, sharing, caring and gentle (well one has a wild streak), good eating boys, have become loud, aggressive, shy, disruptive and non eating boys.
They are quick to snap at anyone (other than me), they refuse anyone else to help them and get anxious when I'm not around (that is when I even go to the other room!)
For a pregnant mummy who is tired, experiencing rare complications and pain, who is also experiencing more culture shock then I have before and who is missing her normal life in Uganda and my husband too.... its been an incredibly hard season.
I can say I didn't handle the first few weeks very well - mostly because I couldn't figure out why my kids were being what others would consider "naughty".... I could see the way people looked at them and judged them or me ….. and I couldn't work it out....the horror of having our 2 1/2 yr old bite other kids at playground or at their cousins house etc....until the Dr and that friend shared how culture shock affected their kids, did I realise what was going on, and that its pretty normal behavior - so I can take a deep breathe and not worry my kids have turned into aliens from another planet and can stop worrying what other people think. ( why do mum's care so much about other people's opinion - so frustrating - I'm going to work on that in 2020!)
One of the suggestions my Dr had was to take the time to sit and write down all the differences I could think of, and then that would allow me to see just how those differences may be affecting me.
I wrote down a lot! More than I've written here but here a few that I've come up with,
FOOD - a bit of an obvious one
- Food is so different - there's so much variety here ( so many fruits and vegetables) so many dairy choices and snack choices and meat choices etc. Its overwhelming.
And the foods that are the same here actually taste different. Our boys normally eat numbers of banana's everyday - its a Ugandan stable.... eaten savory or sweet depending on the variety …. here they are very disappointed in the bland taste of bananas. No fruit and vegetables taste as fresh as the ones we pick from the market. Milk tastes different, honey tastes different (different flowers for the pollen, makes different tasting honey) .... everything tastes different.
SPEECH AND LANGUAGE
- Australians speak FAST ( actually we do everything in a rush/walking/shopping/playing/talking) - which is the complete opposite of the take your time, enjoy life culture of Uganda. Even though yes we speak English at home mostly, and the boys are surrounded by English speaking people - we speak a slow English - and use different words from here in Australia. Often our Yes means no or our no means yes.
We say sorry instead of 'are you ok' when you hurt yourself or share something painful.
My boys have struggled to even understand people when they speak here - this particularly has manifested in Hezekiah - who will snap back or reply completely wrong to what the person has said or asked. Particularly when it is a male speaking - males have much stronger Australian accents and except for the video call conversations they really haven't been around male Australian accents much. And in Uganda I personally speak with less of an Australian accent, so that people can understand me more.
UGANDANS MOVE A LOT
We don't sit still a lot in Uganda - although life is simpler and quieter - we are constantly doing something, we might sit and chat but we peel green banana's while doing so, we are washing clothes while talking, we walk to a lot of places. There are not a lot of moments where you just have to sit and be still. Before children actually start school in Uganda - all their days are filled with jobs and chores and playing - they are constantly outside and doing something - using lots of energy up, jumping, climbing, fetching water, helping, playing etc - they are using all their muscles all the time and don't really have to sit still until they start school.
CHURCH IS SOOOOOO DIFFERENT
I think the greatest difference for my boys is probably the difference in church environment. Church in Uganda is nothing like any church you would find in Australia. They are loud, active, busy, interactive and places where freedom of expression is encouraged and children are warmly welcomed.
When we started going to church here in Australia - my boys couldn't even sit through an hour and half length meeting - usually in Uganda - the sermon could be that long!
As long as I have food the boys can happily engage in church for 4 hours in Uganda ( not always but mostly)
Just a few of the differences from Australia to Uganda
- Our church in Uganda - is outside, dirt floor, sometimes we sit under a tent, other times we don't but its outside. Fresh air flowing, rain coming in sometimes etc.
- Our church is full of music and dancing- music not just at start and end, but constantly throughout - music is often a part of the sermon - one minute you are sitting, next you are all up dancing joining the pastor, everyone is dancing, jumping, moving etc etc.
- Our boys favourite place to sit in church is on robs shoulders - dancing around.
- Church is not a quiet affair in Uganda - there is no point in a Ugandan church service where people are all quiet and reserved - ( unless you attend maybe the catholic or traditional Anglican service maybe) but overall church is about shouting and praising. All through prayers people are shouting amen, hallelujah etc.... there's no point where I feel I have to keep telling the boys to shh be quiet we are praying now or whatever is may be.
- People wander throughout the service, Ezrael our youngest is an active boy, fairly normal I think for a lot of almost 3 year old boys but especially for Ezrael- so he has struggled especially with not being able to wander through church. I realized that in Uganda - even in sermon - adults are even wandering around, listening yes, but wandering up the front, down the aisles, showing their passion and expressing that as they move around. Children wander - engaged yes, but not necessarily confined to their seats.
PEOPLE LOVE KIDS - like really love them
People in Uganda, genuinely love kids, male and female, young and old, people love kids. They show them attention, they interact with them. Its not strange seeing teenagers caring for their baby or little siblings, its not unusual for a stranger to get down and play with your child on the floor or pick up your baby. Its not weird to have people smiling at your baby or kids in church who are running around etc. People in Uganda are very free in that they aren't worried about he noisy neighbours kids, they aren't concerned with a crying baby, they aren't worried about the mess on the floor from kids eating etc. They just love kids being around.
CHILDREN PLAY DIFFERENTLY
A few weeks ago at a playground, I heard a mum say to her son to stop playing with Ezrael as he was naughty for being so rough. I hadn't taken my eyes off of Ezrael for a moment (he had started biting as a way of expressing all the changes since we had come so I was monitoring him closely)
I hadn't seen him being rough anymore than what I had seen most kids playing like in Uganda - he wasn't being aggressive or anything - he was just being.... tactile.
Now I realise not all kids like to play rough or in a tactile way but I realized in that moment ( and also from the conversation with the Dr, that African kids play differently) they touch a lot as they play, they hold hands, they push into each other, they naturally touch as they go past each other, they touch or gently push as they help younger children on the playground etc - they play in a very familiar way - even with kids they've just met.
They also dont' so much have the idea of 'taking turns' etc on the slide or something - its more - little ones go first. At a play ground ( not that we have many) or anywhere where kids play, older kids will often take charge of the little ones - not in a bossy way - but in a caring way - letting them go first, even if they just went, pushing them on the swing etc etc. So I think for our boys they hadn't really seen older kids at a playground not engaging with little ones, Ezrael will go up to older kids here expecting them to help him, or include him in their game. But that's not usually how things are done here in Australia.
We also don't have as much concept of - this is mine, that is yours etc.
Most people do not have a lot of things, children especially do not have a lot, and overall share quite freely. They share food at a playground freely, we share food in our house freely, someone has a toy at the field, another child picks it up they let them play, knowing they'll get it back before they go.
Its only really been since we have been here that the boys have seen so many toys and things, and have learnt the concept of MINE, yours, taking turns etc. Not bad things to learn, but brand new for them even though they aren't babies.
PEOPLE KEEP TO THEMSELVES HERE IN AUSTRALIA AND ARE BUSY
People in Uganda while very busy doing everyday chores and working etc, take life a lot slower. They don't rush when they walk, they look people in the eyes, they greet people on the street, they shake hands with strangers at the shops, they are friendly and warm, they engage numbers after a brief conversation incase they work in an area of business that may help you one day, down the road. Our outgoing Ezrael is very much like this, talks to random people, etc and people are surprised by this here. I've already noticed he doesn't do it as much now as he realizes its not what people do.
WHEN WE SAY OUR MANNERS
In Australia - generally people say Please or thankyou in the first part of their request - in Uganda - its generally at the end - still there and not forgotten and my boys have always had good manners - but here people are often already correcting them even before they've had a chance to say it - every country seems to say their manners in a different place in a sentence ! Something I wish people would realise - for Hezekiah this has been especially frustrating - I can see he's about to say please or thank you and someone says - say please or say thank you or where are your manners - and he feels defeated so then doesn't even want to bother.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS A TOILET :) haha
Its perfectly culturally appropriate ( especially for a child) but sometimes even adults to pee wherever they may need to go. Thankfully most people here have found my boys peeing in public amusing and not bad manners :)
KIDS HAVE FREEDOM AND TAKE RISKS AND WE DO NOT OVERPARENT
In Uganda - risk is encouraged and kids are kids, you do not here people saying, don't climb there that's dangerous, or be careful ( obviously if its crazy stupid maybe) but generally children are free to take risks and explore - parents do not over parent. I have had many concerned parents parenting my boys at playgrounds etc or looking at me strangely when I have been ok with some of the things my boys have done.
Its funny because there are some things in Uganda that when done here would be considered rude. And vis versa.
For example, my boys have walked into people's houses and before too long have wandered into the kitchen and sharing that they are hungry. Or they sit waiting for food to be served, even if we have just popped in for a visit.
This is culture - it is RUDE in Uganda to go to someone's house and to NOT be served something. Every time we go to anyone's house in Uganda, food, snacks or at least a nice drink would be served. And its considered rude not to take the time to stay and enjoy it. You never really just pop into people's houses there.
Here when my boys sit down waiting for food at someone's house or wander into your neighbours kitchen asking if they can have something to eat, it could easily be looked upon as that child has no manners.
People burp here ( even with manners) and have toilet humour… these are Completely inappropriate in Uganda - I have probably never heard anyone burp in Uganda I don't think!
So the look on my boys faces when they encountered that here was quite funny!
There are so many other things I could write about, for myself just the overload of choices has been hard to get use to, the first few times I went into woolies, I came out empty handed because I couldn't choose something because there was just so many varieties and choices to choose from.
I go to a café and find it takes me forever to choose something because the options are endless!
The lack of 'God conversations' …. the negativity... parents yelling at their kids and talking in terrible tones to them ( Ugandan parents may discipline for sure - but yelling and demeaning is not a part of that) ……
I am thankful for those friends and my doctor who have helped me to see and understand many of these cultural differences, I pray that our boys will settle and learn how life works here, but also know the differences for when we go back. I'm especially thankful that they have started to settle especially now that their daddy has arrived.
While its difficult, I hold onto the belief that one day, these two cultures, while wildly different will help them to be well rounded and adaptable kids.
